| This Journal is closed... |
[13 Jul 2006|11:05am] |
...New Chapter in life about to begin...
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) jota_eme
This journal is CLOSED.
"Make the BEST of the Past, the WORST of the Future"
John-Michael D.V.
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| OMG OMG |
[12 Jul 2006|02:43pm] |
I haven't been home lately to check if what I've been waiting for since last summer. New Mars Volta Album.
It's downloading -=O
OMG OMG
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| Vince's Piano Solo |
[05 Jul 2006|02:05pm] |
 Reserved Thinker
I've been so busy and have had so much going on inside me. For the first time in a long long time I've disconnected from most the people I talk too. I've isolated myself and actually see myself doing extremely well. I've moved into a new place and couldn't be happier to come home. Something about this apartment makes me realize how important experiences mean to ones life. I've jumped around so much as far as living quarters. I'd have to say living with just Steve, is the only place that has matched up with how peaceful I've been at home. My new company is turning out better than I thought even though I have to say having one of my ex roommates around is kinda harder than I thought it would be.
Inside I feel like I've let so many people down because I've been adjusting to my new path im on in Tampa. Know that my reason for being here is to make things work out. I'm one of those people who want to make things run smoothly. Make sure everyone is able to relax and enjoy the moment we are in. Go out and talk about whatever is going on and help them walk though it so its a little more comforting when someone else is there to understand and give them confidence that it eventually will pass. The guy who you take out to lunch or coffee and 'ponder the universe', as Katie would say. Lately I have not changed one bit but have disconnected myself from lots of people. I remember when one of my friends was leaving the city and stopped hanging out with her. They were so hurt but in the end she found out it was so she could slowly disconnect and not be so hurt when they leave. I thought it was so strange. Yet now I see myself just slowly disconnecting from people because I know they won't be around much or don't want them to be. I just hope the people who are closer around me now accept me with open arms.
For the first time in awhile I'm pulling out of something that's always hindered me emotionally, school. It's going better than I could ever imagined. Soon give me time and I'll have this place below me. -=)
Steve's birthday is coming up and I can't help I'm going to be 21 soon. I lost my wallet. LOL. Seriously it just disappeared. Kinda of annoys me how I could of lost something so important. I'm sure with time it will eventually pop up but so much has clustered my mind. I can't wait to have my room completely set up so I can watch movies and relax on my futon reading about something that's got me interested in. It's one of those things that I've always wanted to sit down and read about but never have and never told anyone I was into. It's my dirty little secret. lol.
Dr.Pepper rocks btw!
I miss home. Lately the weathers been shitty but I want to take a vacation to Miami. Usually during the summer around this time is when I head back to Miami and lay by the beach and read. Last night it really hurt me how people would say how I make it a point to let everyone know I'm from Miami every 5min. Maybe it's because hey I don't feel comfortable here and why I've always been so distant. Being here for 3years now I only have about 3 people who make me feel at home: Nikkie, Dan, and Paul. Hopefully in August I can cut my hours to the possible minimum and take time to enjoy the beach. The last time I remember I went to the beach was like a month ago when Zuli and company came to Tampa. Before that it was when Beca and I would lay by the pool and talk shit. Wish I had someone to appreciate the concept of being by the ocean with the sea breeze to relax your body completely. I hate the people who go there just to show off and try to get a tan. Usually have had to deal with that a lot in Miami because that's just the mentality there but it's peaceful to be there laying down thinking of how little things mean when your faced by an ocean bigger than the mind can really imagine.
I can't wait till Jesus returns from hibernating.
-=)
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| Send me an angel... RIGHT NOW |
[13 Jun 2006|03:14pm] |
Since I last posted I was an emotion wreck. Probably still am but that's ok it's my normal state usually. Been watching a lot of movies, reading books, and playing games. Spent plenty of time alone as of late due to Steve's little vacation.
My usual thoughts about things have been becoming expressed in words lately. Since Nikkie has this new thing with time and reality I've been able to find people to talk to it about not to mention found movies and articles which talk about such things. Feel content with how my brain has been working but now its time to master how I alter different things in reality because I've always been so down.
Lately women have pulling me down so much. I know my greatest peaks have been when I've been with just one woman but wow. It's been creating such anguish in my mind since it's been craving something we call a serious relationship. The existence of another human wanting and craving the attention and Love we so desire in life.
I've had two women which I go back and fourth with lately. I care for both of them dearly but something always comes up and creates drama or dilemmas. Funny how things work out with time and such. How we become so obsessed with Love when yeah if we believe emotions are just chemicals affecting our brain and we are in control of where we place ourself. Why do we continue to crave the person who has created pain when in reality we want it to be Love. Once we've tasted that poison of Love we seem to strive to get more even if in the process we start getting bombarded with sorrow.
Both are women from the past and just continue chasing. They are worth my time. I've been getting so aggravated with this whole belief that they are not worthy to accept things from me. For example I got this text last night and I don't think something has hurt me so bad,
"I really just want 2 be alone now for a long time. I'm just happier alone besides I come with 2 much baggage for any good man 2 have 2 deal with. I never gave u a chance and I never can because I've just never felt worthy I don't deserve u that's y I put up w this guy but I'll just really concentrate on me instead of trying 2 find happiness with another. Whatever"
Jesus Christ I think this is the 4th message I've received from a girl I actually wanted to be with. I'm fucking tired of the bullshit. It sounds like complete crap to me and only a nice way of saying... hey yeah I don't like you but your a good guy. FUCK THAT SHIT.
The other one is even better at that game than that one. She knows how to drop the right excuses and words when needed. Just so happen to disappear and vanish just when you think you could casually spend time with her or talk too. Knowing that she has others on the side but your having fun playing the game with her yet both of us know it probably could work but heaven forbid she settle down. Playing the game is to addicting once you start getting good at it. Well I'm tired of playing it and manipulating women. Can't I just find one that's real and tired of playing also.
Maybe I'll create a list of what I'm looking for and try to make my mind create the person. Manipulate and re-program the world as we see with deep thought and creativity. Who knows how deep the rabbit hole goes... Only the Ultimate Observer because they have seen how far one falls.
Now back to my new toy and obsession. Nintendo DS Lite.
Brain Age FTW!!!
Suduko <333
Found out my plans for my 21st B-Day week-end
Any recommendations from this line up?
http://www.lollapalooza.com
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| Adventure Island |
[09 Jun 2006|04:35pm] |
Yesterday I had a nice day with myself.
Went on all sorts of adventures.
I hit so many different locations that I feel like listing just so i can remember in a future time.
Bestbuy, Starbucks, Smoothie King, Dadeland Mall, Substantial, Barnes & Noble.
All in all I had a good time just venturing place to place. Almost spent a lot of money but ended up just spending about $20 in books.
I got to see Alex yesterday and she actually made me feel like a little kid again. For some odd reason i forget all my experience with her. It's like I feel like she's the first girl i've ever talked to in my life. Yet over the phone we talk for endless hours.
Head are in the Finals. They lost yesterday. Funny how people get so wrapped up in games. Never understood the concept of watching other people play a game. Football is kinda fun to watch but then again i usually can never sit and watch a whole game.
Kinda excited about moving into the new place. I think i'll be in my same environment in my room and just hanging around the place but just happier. Don't know why but just having people like Dan, Paul, and Nikkie around will make me more content with life.
Lots of people are super busy this week-end and have found myself just hanging around alone. Sometimes it gets to me but others i'm just relaxing with no stress or over bearing voice inside me. Seems like sometimes i have complete control of it other times its just going crazy with thought. Everyone is like that it just gets to some people more than others.
Maybe i'll take my 2nd nap of the day? Possibily Maybe someone will make plans. Hopefully i'll get to see Alex, Zuli, and Biggie sometime this week-end.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| Your as fake as the words you read out loud. |
[06 Jun 2006|10:45pm] |
| Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage | 
You've dated enough to know what you want.
And that's marriage - with the right person.
You're serious about settling down some time soon.
Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to! |
Why am I not surprised...
It's been some time since I've written on here. There has been so much going on and wish I would of written them down here in my story. Feel kinda guilty because I wish I could of thrown all my thought on here and be able to go back in the future and read this and have all my accounts.
I'm writing in my regular state. You know the one where I'm usually depressed as hell or just not feeling in the right state of mind so I find the need to write. Not to say I haven't been like this since the last time I wrote but finally felt it was worth at least trying like usual to write how I feel.
Feel like I'm doing this because Nikkie wrote an entry about Voids.
The past month I've been trying to have as much fun as possible. I've actually gone a lot to Miami and partied it up with Gardo and his company. Talked lots of shit to women who I felt deserved it. Gotted wasted and enjoyed myself. Listened to endless conversations. Probably the best part of my life lately is this girl that I speak to almost every night. She texts me all the time that she misses me, calls just to hear my voice, and actually gives me a serious challenge. Of course this is someone from my past but at same time its given me the ultimate goal due to know she's cheated before, has more than one guy on the side (more like 3+ usually). Whenever in town is constantly busy and having guys coming over to visit her at night. So I guess I'm one of the most masochistic people I know but hey she makes me happy right?!
Now for my future. There were some serious plans on moving back to Miami. I've told lots of people I was leaving back home but after much thought I've decided that I'll just finish up here in Tampa. I'm not going to lie the idea of living back home in Miami with my aunt in Bal Harbor is still floating in my head but don't see it happening anymore. Most likely it will for the month of August. Not exactly sure how I'm going to pull this one off while working but I will.
The reason my sudden shift in confidence in Tampa is because of one reason alone. The company I will be in the Fall. I will be moving into a three bedroom three bath with Paul and Dan. The two guys I wanted to move in with before. Now that Nikkie is dating Dan I'll be able to see my best friend all the time and hang out with her without much hassle. Went to party with Dan and after just sat on the sofa and talked crap for a good while. Made me feel real at home and comfortable. Have yet to really talk to Paul but he's been busy having fun and doing school work but sure it'll work out great with him.
Had a blast this past week-end. Had a party for Beca since she left back to California for good yesterday. I'm not going to lie that girl kept me sane. She'd always be over and totally had a thing for her but doubt it would of worked since we became such close friends really. It always turns out like that lately. I'm going to miss that hoe usually spent most of my nights with her just talking till super late at night. Not to mention she'd always keep me company at work when we worked together or whenever we had days off. Party on Friday was pretty sweet we had a blast. She of course can't remember how she whored herself around. It was also Homeboy Jeremy's 21st so he was over with Lee. They are always great company not to mention Lee whoring herself around the whole night also chasing Beca around. The best part of the week-end was Zuli finally came up to visit me here in Tampa. There was some drama but LOVED the fact that she actually did come to hang out and party even though unexpected things happened.
Saturday Zuli and the girls went to the beach with us and we had fun chillen laying around and going in the water while drinking. Ended up just getting back and passing out for the rest of the day pretty much. Sunday was one of those random days where Nikkie was like want to go to Busch Gardens with Me, Dan, and Nikkie Ole. Sounded like a plan so we hit that up like nobodies businesses. Can't wait to live with Dan and have Nikkie around. It was just fun being around them and couldn't help but have a good time and smile.
That's my week-end. I have Thurs till Sunday off so going home. Hope to see my little wifey even though she probably won't be let out of her house for months after what she pulled today but ohh well. Hopefully I'll be able to spend some time with Zuli even though I feel the same way about her and this other girl. They seem like the ultimate challenge. I'd kill to be with Zuli but there seems to be some force that keeps trying to keep us apart when we both know it'd be amazing if we ever did connect again.
Right now though I'm home alone after work and taking my first test. Steve is off visiting school since he is leaving in the fall. Kevin is at work of course and even when he does get home I probably won't say much. My wife called before she was to get killed at home and has yet to call back. Should probably get some food in me. Told myself I'd try to eat at least twice a day now. I'm quite miserable right now being alone. I think I'd fall apart if I had this much time alone. I've read a bit earlier but was kinda tired after all I did kinda study for my test today. Started watching a French movie called "Sex is Comedy" but started falling asleep and want to be able to fully enjoy it when I'm awake. Found this time best to finally get on here and spill some of my guts. So much to look forward too but at this time being I'm quite down. Not exactly sure what might cheer me up. Maybe some T Bell or 5 Star? Possibly Maybe...
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
Advanced Global Personality Test Results | Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.comtrait snapshot: introverted, irritable, feels invisible, observer, depressed, does not enjoy leadership, reveals little about self, dislikes large parties, feels undesirable, does not like to stand out, submissive, suspicious, emotionally sensitive, not a thrill seeker, solitude loving, likes silence, fragile, second guesses self, negative, unadventurous, fearful, weird, focuses on people's hidden motives, paranoid, phobic, dependent, cautious, avoidant, intellectual Maybe the fact that i'm uber depressed right now has had an impact on this... i wonder. DUH!
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| Cuba Si, Castro No! |
[11 May 2006|02:43am] |
It has been some time since I’ve come on here and written. I have been greatly saddened in the recent weeks. I’ve heard much grave news and only seems to grow and grow. Many of you probably know already but my closest friend and roommate will be leaving Tampa soon. I’m not entirely sure whats going to happen to me once this happens. School has been going in the complete wrong direction I want it to be going. People seem to be completely distracted with their lives and stories to let someone like me in. No worries I go on and cut out the ones I realize have no passion in friendships and alike.
Today and the previous days I’ve been having this one thought on my mind. What will happen if I have a son and when asked, what do you want to be when you grow up? He answers or even She answers Ruler of the World.
The one thing I hope to keep me sane during the summer shall be work and going to Busch Gardens & Adventure Island. I’m sure I will be taking many trips to Miami of course. Also I love my job. Last Sunday had to be one of the funnest days at work because of the fact that I got to sell predominately the whole day. I LOVE selling.
I miss my bestfriend. The past week I’ve become closer to someone I’ve always wanted in my life. We shall see what becomes of this in the future.
Just got back from seeing, The Lost City. Holy Jesus it’s the best film I’ve seen in about two years. I’m still so impacted by the movie. Not to mention it gives a true depiction of Che & Castro. Not to mention shows the story of all the Cuban Americans that came here to Miami and the U.S. Remember we are not here for economic reasons but political. FUCK THE REVOLUTION. Fuck Che! Fuck Castro! Fuck Communism! Viva Cuba! Viva la Democracia!
There is a large chance I might be leaving Tampa in the Fall. My dad turned 63years old last Tuesday that just past. He really wants me home and thinks its best. Honestly I made some phone calls and my aunt says I could live with her if I came back to Miami. That means living in one of the nicest condos in Miami Beach on the water. I’m going to see if I can get into the Biscayne campus since its smaller and much closer to Bal Harbor. Lets just see how time goes. I’m done with Tampa and the only thing that’s keeping me there is my bestfriend Nikkie now and work. I talked to the manager in the Dadeland store by my house and he said to give him a call when I was completely positive. So might beable to transfer to Oakley down here. I’ll come visit you Nichole. I promise.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| I am the Prequel to Love. |
[29 Apr 2006|09:26pm] |
( Then )
VS
( Now )
________________________________________
Laying in my bed reading, listening to music, and having the sun blare in which I never allow I thought to myself. Every woman that I have dated or ever Loved is now in Love with someone. This didn't dawn too me till Zasha responded to my text "What is Crazy?" and she responded "Love". Yet I do believe I am crazy but don't have that Love. Of course the thing she said next touched me and sparked this new thought, "It is always with you". Sigh I thought and let out a smile because it was true I knew very well because I've been struggling with at as of late. Since I've had that taste of Love in my life I crave and envy it when I see it.
It hit me then.
They all are in Love now. Funny thing is it would usually happen right after me. Is it some sort of curse I have that I'm just not meant to have someone and only here to show them what Love is capable of doing? Now that they have left and miss me they resort to finally giving themselves to Love? Am I ever going to find someone I can be with realistically that will Love back? Will Love make me that normal person due to the lack of complaining and depression?
Why even have this desire of Love?
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| Glance in the Mirror. My Social Worst Enemy. |
[28 Apr 2006|04:55pm] |
The Earth has spun around so many times and every time we've accepted that the outgoing, spontaneous, outspoken, extrovert, etc. is what is to be the social norm. How everyone is out to entertain and put on a show for crowds. Doing things to make their name known and put some sort of value of how many friends they have. Better yet rant and rave about how their group is the greatest.
I'm tired of it. Always have been. I have no interest in your parties, bars, or clubs. I've been there and done it. Don't say try it out first before you shoot it down because guess what hoe you don't know that much about me in the end.
I enjoy the idea and thought of being in my own home. Lock myself in my own misery is what I do. I complain about it all the time and finding a woman to spend time with constantly because I'm not going to go out and look for it. I'm a conversationalist. I'm not one to entertain or scream out for attention and make people laugh. I'm here to make people stop crying inside and realize sometimes there is hope and faith in life.
Dreams of prison bars behind the mirror with an old man crying out for an escape to murder you all. To come out and conquer all your fears and ideas. Only He holds the key to the cell.
My separation from the social environment tears great gaps in college environment leaving me to rot. I've gone given you chances. You walked away and now you have been black listed. There is no mask with me. I tell you over and over how I feel and what I do. If you care to listen you've joined me in my lounge. If you haven't well I hope you enjoy the other life you life as much as I've tasted the sweetness of a drama free surrounding.
There are over 200 people I stare at constantly on my buddylist that are online. Wondering what the hell are these people doing with it. Most of them I've tried and start conversation but its ended with me walking away or just closing the box and never see it pop up again because of the lack of effort you place in making a friend and expressing yourself. Your simple res ponces. The lack of passion and effort in making a friend makes me sick.
1. I want you back.
2. I miss you.
3. You disappointed me.
4. Good luck on your choice in the future.
5. Take your time because it will be sweet when you show
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| Detection: Virus Found |
[27 Apr 2006|05:10pm] |
Spacemen Live
_____________________________
Just want to thank Dan and Nikkie again for taking me to the airport. Don't know what I do without those two and Steve. They keep Tampa interesting.
Dan: Got to head over here soon. I'll get a six pack of Yungling and some Steaks for your great generosity of taking me to airport.
Nikkie: Your a silly hoe kid. I want my books back!
_____________________________________
I Love work.
New Co-Workers are great.
School is almost over.
iTunes Visual = Bliss
Sleep > You
Me < Mono
Wish i could be a little happier but once i feel well i'm sure i'll be back to talk to my favorite people again.
The Unicorn, The Desperate House Wife, and The Snake
VC 06'
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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[23 Apr 2006|02:07pm] |
Delirium.
One of my favorite parts of the show was during that act. WoW.
Talk about visuals. Saturday i flew into Miami for the show.
Flew?! Yes i flew into Miami. I've been really sick.
Turns out i had mono and influenza.
Family didn't want me driving.
Thanks to Dan and Nikkie they drove me to airport. Thanks again.
Lately been reading a lot and watching lots of movies.
Jarhead very good acting and good story.
The woman of my brother (Spanish) AWESOME.
The Matrix Reloaded. Forgot how entertaining it is.
21 Grams. One of my fav foriegn directors
Lucky Number Sleaven. One of best movies i've seen in awhile.
Wizard of Oz (To Pink Floyd) Great experience but over hyped.
As far as music goes.
Pearl Jams new album isn't that great to me yet not a big fan from the start.
Tool's new album is short from bliss. Spent the other day listening to it just for relaxation.
On my way out now for some coffee.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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[22 Apr 2006|04:52pm] |
the Wit
(52% dark, 34% spontaneous, 26% vulgar) | your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK
You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.
I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.
Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.
You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais
The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules -
If you're interested, try my best friend's best test:
The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 51% on darkness | | You scored higher than 20% on spontaneity | | You scored higher than 22% on vulgarity |
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| Short Story. |
[18 Apr 2006|06:38pm] |
( The Adventure of the German Student )
Took one of my books of short stories from home and brought it to Tampa. Felt like sharing one with you.
Love how this character is described. <3
Relate tremendiously with him.
And believe the same will happen to me.
I already have had the dreams...
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| It was all in vein. |
[17 Apr 2006|10:21pm] |
How could I have put myself though all of that?
Because I'm sadistic. and masochistic.
I will no long deal with this type of woman.
Beware. I will not express mercy anymore.
Jay-eM
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| Dr. Darko |
[17 Apr 2006|02:32pm] |
Depressed.
I always have been since I can last remember.
Use to kid and play with the idea that I wasn't when I was in Love. Probably wasn't but I can't even tell anymore because I would make it my escape and reason for living.
Love.
Such a simple four letter word being rooted to an emotion. Some say its a chemical function. Others believe its a reason for living. All I know is that animal and humans are completely separate from each other.
I've made a choice not to have sex with women if not in a relationship. It's protection. Not to mention I probably can be diagnosed with several mental disorders. Maybe its just because this is who I am and will not live for pleasure unless it means something.
I live in a world where I'm my own organism living on the planet Earth. We could all just be thoughts, ideas, views, etc.. floating around this place with contrasting things. Your mother and father can just be a set of two beliefs that came together and you popped out. Our bodies are just something we accept and take in. It's how we show people what we are and what we have become.
Now with these thoughts I will tell you I believe in different realms as I've heard it called and most popular. I believe we were created with a purpose. Where God is what has created us. I live my life to the greater good and moral way of life. We are human and make choices yet He knows what they will be even if we screw from our original set plans.
Am I crazy? With all these ideas and beliefs out there am I'm diagnose insane to believe that the world really end soon? Like I've said before reading an article in playboy about the future about religion it gave 5 things that will probably happen in the future with religion. The 5th one was the most illogical per say if you were to look at things in a logical point of view. Yet I'm a very idealistic type of person and believe yes the world will end and an Anti-Christ will come into power and a large group of believers will be taken away from this Earth into what I believe is Heaven and called in the Christian belief. 2/3 of the worlds population will be killed and destroyed. Evil spirits and demons will be let loose to roam the Earth. Human kind will have to chose to believe or accept the Anti-Christ.
Everyday I fight and battle myself with the war with Pride. Pride in the end is the root of all Evil and wrong doing. I hate the fact that I feel that most of humanity has been perverted and even myself included in some sort of way. All I do is try to do a greater good listening to people and helping them out. Yet inside I just snap and become one of the most sadistic people I know. In the end what makes me feel good is knowing that people trust me and that I actually make a difference when people have trauma or problems in life cycles.
I've become insane. I haven't been myself to a certain extent. I've lost parts of my real identity because its been hiding yet every time I end up on the phone at night talking about life and helping others understand themselves I discover those things about me that have been hidden. The acceptance of a woman to hear me out and actually care for what I say gives me meaning because its full filling my reason for living. To help people understand themselves because I have some strange gift of Empathy.
I asked Zasha who I was and what was wrong with me. She is the only one that I have Loved that I still have around me. Her answer was that I empathize too much. After talking to her about it I asked her if it was a bad thing or a good thing. She responded with that it's a good thing because I understand everyone and pay attention so much and able to help but after its all said and done. I destroy myself. It becomes part of me all the pain and stories I've heard. Not letting go of it as one should do I keep it in my forever. It pulls me down because I don't need to hear the stories sometimes. I can look into your eyes or hear your voice and know exactly what you feel or thinking at that moment.
I am insane because I don't have that one person to live for right next to me. I might be incomplete but never will I give into what other will say when I know they mean no well being for me but just pleasure. I will not have you near me or taint my thoughts with your self pleasure. I'm tired of being part of this world that has no problem just living trying to make themselves happy in any way possible. I will sacrifice it all to do it the way I think is right. Destroying my Ego is the greatest war that's been fought. I challenge to to wage war on yourself. Realizing your only placed here for a purpose to make something of everyone else not yourself.
No pill or drug will cure me or be allowed in me. I've tried it and only felt guilt because my mind is too powerful. My spirit tells me to endure life for what it is and allow it to make me who I am to become in the future.
I will sacrifice myself for you if you let me.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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[15 Apr 2006|03:51pm] |
I woke up with the daily wood wondering why this constantly happens. With no shame and pride I unlocked my door not worrying about if any of the kids were up because I had no patients to wait till the blood flow would stop. I had to pee that bad. I ended up just laying there on the couch contemplating if it was worth even leaving my screen name online. I just wondered how I had so many people on my buddy list and how little of them I enjoy speaking too. I remembered a line I read in the book I’m reading, well one of the many. Anyone you ask how’s it going or what’s up that answers in long sentences or tells a story of the day fall in love with. I don’t think I’ve met anyone who really answers with such depth then me and yet I feel like the person on the other side of the screen is just like yeah w/e most of the time. I get so many one word answers from one of the broadest questions in the book. Really thinking of just asking people how they feel 1-10 instead of just asking how they doing. Think it might spicen up my answers a bit more and be something for them to remember me by. Wonder if I should take this practice when I goto Oakley. Probably would weird people out too much but maybe it might be worth it.
My body has been weak and tired over the past couple days. I just want silence and good conversation. Everyone else cause pain and anger inside. I’ve done so many things to try to cheer up but no avail. I just thought of going to the book store to change my mood. Yet I’ve reading so many books already. Continuing with my day I was about to leave when God finally shed a good moment into the room. Nichole called that if I was free. The kids eventually woke up and we went to eat. One of my most common thoughts came to mind extremely concrete. I felt like I finally had to write about it. John-Michael is nothing special he is just another 20yr old human living on Earth. Yes there are things that he might make him different from everyone in the world but his personality is nothing extremely special contrary to everyone’s belief that they the shit and only one that rocks. There are many people like him and yourself out there in the world. There are more people in the world then we can imagine. Now this is where my idea comes into play. Some people are just lucky to have people around them that they feel comfortable, are very similar, different but complimentary, etc… I’m one of those people that live a fairly normal life compared to most and somewhat gifted with a lot more than most but nothing to insane unless you peer into the mind. Yet I have yet to find more than a handful of people I really enjoy being around. Say what you want and think that I don’t give people a chance but when it comes down to it I’ve come across more people than you think. You just probably like them a lot more than I do and connect with them well whereas there’s a certain type that I enjoy and they not as common as I’d like. Not to mention even when I’m lucky enough to find a person with something that I enjoy doesn’t mean they enjoy me. I give people shots all the time and I’m tired of it but we are humans and I have to be social. Yet when it comes down to it I leave myself so available and a simple im or call away but no one takes advantage.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
Ps: My bestfriend can beat up your bestfriend. -=)
Silly hoe.
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| Stats2 Project |
[12 Apr 2006|01:39pm] |
Hey need help with a stats2 project. See if you can do this for me and send to as many people as you can. Trying to see if male or females have more partners... lol. Need 50 responses so help plzz if you can. http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=470892015005
ITS NOT A VIRUS...
Thanks for your input.
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| how I'd love to meet you already here next to me in the bed. |
[10 Apr 2006|01:40am] |
You'd walk into the door now at 1:30am from doing all your errands and work. You would know not even to knock because you'd feel comfortable enough to just walk in. You'd find me here on the computer typing away my life as usual or playing a video game/movie on the new TV.
You'd come sit down next to me and kiss me hard like if it was the last kiss we'd ever have. Ask if I want to smoke a bowl and goto the smoke room. We'd relax and talk over the day as we pass the bowl back and fourth. Eventually come out and play some video games together or watch a movie before bed. There be those nights that we'd just light up the hookah or a cigar and sit down and talk about random events or issues just because we need that interaction and exchange of ideas. Possibly just spend some nights just reading to each other a book or poem. Maybe pop on some porn if the roommates were in their rooms already. Which in the end we'd both know Steve come out and scream something like "FUCK YEAH PORN!!" and I'd snap back with something like "Yeah want us to do the positions they doing or what".
We'd probably end up falling asleep on the couch watching something. I'd kiss you on the top of your head as since your leaning against me. I'd wake you up and take you to my bed and ask you how many times you want me to wake you up in the middle of the night for sex and what time you need to be up for class or work.
Wake up to taking a shower with you even though I probably don't have to be up that early but its always fun to wake up to a quicky in the shower to start a day. You'd complain that we're being too loud and we might wake up Kevin. I'd kiss you goodbye and you'd leave off to do what you please. We'd go on adventures to parks, museums, gallerys, shows, plays, beaches, restraints, gardens, etc... on our days together or just spend it inside having tons of sex because we both think that doing it 3 times a day is almost not enough for our sex drive.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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| lucky number slevin... GREAT MOVIE |
[10 Apr 2006|12:47am] |
one line reallly made an impact on me.
this is my version of it that I have to share with you kids...
turn your back on me and all you have left of me is my collar smiling right at you.
Baby VC don't drive... he gets driven around.
That's Vincent Chase to you.
Vince: It's not about the awards. If it's good, I'll do it
One of the greatest pains in the world is being in love with someone and they not even knowing it while others fight and battle over these loves of yours. In the end I know she is calling my name.
Tonight I came up with a quote that's is a very typical JM thing to say...
"Sometimes you just got to create a rift in the Earth circulation"
Choas Theory baby.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Jay-eM
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